The Hua Tou has meaning. It is a question that has an
answer and we must be determined to find that answer.
I know that "Who am I?" sounds like a simple question,
one we ought to be able to answer without difficulty. But it is not an
easy question to answer. Often it is extremely puzzling.
In fact, many people reach a point in life when, apart from
any Chan technique, they really do begin to wonder who they are.
Let's, for example, consider a middle aged woman who
might have reached the point where she's no longer sure of who she
is. She's having what psychologists nowadays call "an identity crisis". Perhaps her children have grown up and moved away and her
husband no longer finds her attractive. She is depressed and confused.
Suddenly she realizes that for her entire life she has identified herself in terms of her relationship to other people. She has
always been somebody's daughter or sister or employee or friend or
wife or mother. This woman now begins to wonder, Who am I when
I'm not being someone's daughter, wife, mother and so on? Who
exactly am I?
Perhaps she reviews her life and sees that when she was
attending to the needs of one person, she wasn't available to satisfy
the needs of another and that those who felt neglected by her, criticized her, while those who received her help, just accepted it as if
they were somehow entitled to it. Being criticized on one hand, and
being taken for granted on the other, has caused her much suffering.
Worse, she may realize that in satisfying the demands of
these external social relationships, she neglected the requirements
of her internal spiritual life. Now she feels spiritually bankrupt and
wonders why she invested so much of herself in others, why she
saved nothing for her Buddha Self.
But a bond holds two parties together. It is not a one- way
ligature. Is it not because we desire to be loved or respected, feared
or admired that we allow or encourage these attachments? Is it not
our desires for the people, places, and things of Samsaric existence
that ultimately cause us bitterness and pain? Of course it is.
There was once a man who worked at a food market.
Every day he would steal food and bring it home to his family. His
wife and children grew strong and healthy and used the money they
would otherwise have spent on food to purchase clothing and other
objects. They told him he was the best husband and father anyone
could have.
Soon, the man's brother, seeing this prosperity, asked him
to steal food for him also; and the man complied. His brother
praised him. "You are the best brother a man could have," he said.
Next, a friendly neighbor who was having financial problems begged him for help; and the man stole even more food. His
neighbor was so grateful. "You are the best friend a man could
have," he said.
The man felt important and appreciated. In his desire to be
loved and respected, he did not realize that he had become a common thief.
Before long he was caught, tried, and convicted for the
thefts. He was sentenced to spend years in jail.
Which of the people he had helped volunteered to take his
place in jail for even one night of his sentence? None.
Which volunteered to make restitution for even half of
what he had provided? None.
Sadly the man learned that his family was embarrassed to
admit being related to a thief. Sadly the man learned that his friend
was voicing relief that a neighbor of such low character was now
safely in jail.
And so, as we wonder who we really are we must reflect
upon our ego's foolish desires and the pathetic ways it will grovel
for affection.
When we ask, "Who am I?" we must also wonder whether
we identify ourselves in terms of our wealth or social positions.
What would happen if we lost our money or were cast out of society because of a flaw in our pedigree? Are we our bank accounts,
our social circle, our lineage?
What about our jobs? Are we our occupations? If a musician injures his hand and can no longer play his instrument, does he
cease to exist? Is he deprived of his humanity because he has been
deprived of his identity as a musician?
Do we identify ourselves in terms of our nationalities, our
cities, our neighborhoods, the language we speak, or the sports
team we support? Do we lose part of ourselves if we move to a new
locale?
Are we our bodies? If a man has a head, trunk, and four
limbs, what happens if he loses two limbs? Is he only two thirds of
a man? Think of how foolish this would be if he and his brother
were equally to share an inheritance and his brother claimed that
because he was missing an arm and a leg he was entitled to only
two-thirds of his share!
May we define ourselves as our egos, our conscious sense
of "I" or "me" or "mine"? What happens when we sleep? Do we
cease to exist? What happens when our attention is completely
focussed on a problem or a drama or on some beautiful music?
When happens when we meditate and completely lose our sense of
I-ness? Do saints who attain a selfless state cease to exist? And
Shakyamuni Buddha, who was so bereft of Siddhartha's personality
that he could only be called "Tathagata" - the Suchness of Reality,
Itself - did he cease to exist because he had no ego nature?
In trying to answer the Hua Tou, "Who am I?" or "Who is
repeating the Buddha's name?" we must examine our illusive identities, our shifting, conditional, samsaric identities. The Hua Tou
will then reveal much to us.
Dear friends, break old attachments! Dissolve prideful
self-images and special relationships and create instead humble,
generic varieties!
Don't require friends. Try merely to be someone who is
friendly, someone who respects all people and treats them all with
kindness and consideration.
Don't confine filial affection to just parents but be solicitous towards all elderly persons, and so on.
